Quotes

Due to popular demand/request, this is the main file from my random quotes file for my infamous "AI signature" routines (and yes, believe it ot not, there are actually several files). These are just some of the things you'll often see randomly stickered to the bottom of my emails from time-to-time.

Disclaimer: These do not necessarily reflect my true opinion(s) on any given subject. Most of these are just humourous.

Last Update: Tue 2006/Jan/03 22:09

"Don't steal. The government hates competition."

"Partnership for an Idiot Free America"

"4 out of 3 people have trouble with fractions"

"I live in my own little world but it's ok, everyone knows me here."

"Don't Believe Everything You Think!"

"Tact is for people that aren't witty enough to be sarcastic."

"Can't Sleep. Clowns Will Eat Me."

"Bad Cop. No Donut."

"What if the Hokey Pokey IS what it's all about?"

"If you don't support gat marriage: don't get one"

"What Would Scobby Do?"

"Can you think on your own or do you need the media to think for you?"

"Democracy was getting old, anyway"

"After we rebuild Iraq, can we rebuild our schools?"

"I Love My Country... but fear my government"

"I read banned books"

"Oh well, I wasn't using my civil liberties anyhow."

"Last time we mixed politics and religion people got burned at the stake."

"Think. It's Patriotic"

"Criminals Prefer Unarmed Victims"

"Guns don't kill people... gaping holes in vital organs kill people."

"The problems we face will not be solved by the minds that created them" - Albert Einstein

"Critical Thought & Radical Dissent Against The Authority Created This Nation. Conformity Did Not."

"There are literally several levels of SCO being wrong. And even if we were to live in that alternate universe where SCO would be right, they'd still be wrong." - Linus Torvalds (BusinessWeek Online 2004/02/02)

"When you say "I wrote a program that crashed Windows", people just stare at you blankly and say "Hey, I got those with the system, *for free*"." - Linus Torvalds (1995)

"Only wimps use tape backup: _real_ men just upload their important stuff on ftp, and let the rest of the world mirror it ;)" - Linus Torvalds (1996)

"Some people have told me they don't think a fat penguin really embodies the grace of Linux, which just tells me they have never seen an angry penguin charging at them in excess of 100mph. They'd be a lot more careful about what they say if they had." - Linus Torvalds (1996)

"Linux people do what they do because they hate Microsoft. We do what we do because we love Unix." - Theo de Raadt (Forbes, June 16, 2005)

"There are two ways of constructing a software design: One way is to make it so simple that there are obviously no deficiencies, and the other way is to make it so complicated that there are no obvious deficiencies. The first method is far more difficult." - CAR Hoare

"It's such a fine line between stupid and clever." - David St. Hubbins (This is Spinal Tap)

Cutting the space budget really restores my faith in humanity. It eliminates dreams, goals, and ideals and lets us get straight to the business of hate, debauchery, and self-annihilation. -- Johnny Hart

Al: "Ziggy says your memory is Swiss-cheesed with the real Mr. Stoddard, but who, by the way, right now is in the Waiting Room, and he thinks he's on the way to Venus." Sam: "He must be terrified." Al: "Au contraire, he's in Heaven. He keeps fingering our clothes, he wants to know what we eat... you know what he says to me? He says, he says, 'Take me to your leader,' so I turn him over to Gooshie, told him that he was the King of the Planet Halitosis." - Quantum Leap - "Star Light, Star Bright"

"The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense." -- E. W. Dijkstra, SIGPLAN Notices, Volume 17, Number 5

"Chaos in the midst of chaos isn't funny, but chaos in the midst of order is." -- Steve Martin

If you keep anything long enough, you can throw it away.

"Joining a conference call: All participants have been muted by the moderator. Moderator's first question: Is anyone there?" -- Work concall 2005/10/04

"Recession is when your neighbor loses his job. Depression is when you lose your job. These economic downturns are very difficult to predict, but sophisticated econometric modeling houses like Data Resources and Chase Econometrics have successfully predicted 14 of the last 3 recessions."

"If you've done six impossible things before breakfast, why not round it off with dinner at Milliway's, the restaurant at the end of the universe?"

"A cynic is a person searching for an honest man, with a stolen lantern." -- Edgar A. Shoaff

"You cannot achieve the impossible without attempting the absurd."

Do what comes naturally now. Seethe and fume and throw a tantrum.

Hindsight is an exact science.

The opposite of a profound truth may well be another profound truth. -- Bohr

I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took me to see him in a department store and he asked for my autograph. -- Shirley Temple

During the next two hours, the system will be going up and down several times, often with lin~po_~{po ~poz~ppo\~{ o n~po_~{o[po ~y oodsou>#w4k**n~po_~{ol;lkld;f;g;dd;po\~{o

"If worse comes to shove, then..." - start of a pigeon'd justification statement by my PHB. 2005/08/01

"I'm just his little BGP hoar." - quote from one of our neteng guys at work. 2005/07/28

Meeting, n.: An assembly of people coming together to decide what person or department not represented in the room must solve a problem.

Slowly and surely the unix crept up on the Nintendo user ...

Software, n.: Formal evening attire for female computer analysts.

"The more we disagree, the more chance there is that at least one of us is right."

"How long a minute is depends on which side of the bathroom door you're on."

"We will have solar energy as soon as the utility companies solve one technical problem -- how to run a sunbeam through a meter."

"The student in question is performing minimally for his peer group and is an emerging underachiever."

"Dead people don't send spam."

"A year spent in artificial intelligence is enough to make one believe in God."

When I heated my home with oil, I used an average of 800 gallons a year. I have found that I can keep comfortably warm for an entire winter with slightly over half that quantity of beer. -- Dave Barry, "Postpetroleum Guzzler"

"I don't know the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everybody." - Bill Cosby

"With ignorance and arrogance, success is assured." - Mark Twain

The land of the free and the brave... it's seeming to become the land of the easily offended.

"They have computers, and they may have other weapons of mass destruction." - Janet Reno

"Considering the current sad state of our computer programs, software development is clearly still a black art, and cannot yet be called an engineering discipline." - Bill Clinton

"There's an old story about the person who wished his computer were as easy to use as his telephone. That wish has come true, since I no longer know how to use my telephone." - Bjarne Stroustrup

"Software people would never drive to the office if building engineers and automotive engineers were as cavalier about buildings and autos as the software "engineer" is about his software." - Henry Baker

"Well, I'm sure I'd feel much worse if I weren't under such heavy sedation"

I didn't say it was your fault. I said I was going to blame you.

television is a medium. it is neither rare, nor well-done.

It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.

Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis.

If you can't tell who the sucker is in the first 30 minutes at the table, it's you

Everything in life must be taken in moderation, even moderation itself.

Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

"The man pages contain a lot of such material, which reads like the terse mutterings of pilots wrestling with the controls of damaged airplanes" - Neal Stephenson, "In the Beginning was the Command Line"

"The bugs listed below have all been assigned to someone else. We just haven't updated this page yet."

"You must be --> this <-- clever to add quips... (hmm... evidently not working)"

"Jesus saves, but everyone else in a 10 foot radius takes full damage from the fireball."

Jesus is coming, everyone act busy!

"I saw your code. It looked easy. It's just a bunch of typing. And don't get me started on your overuse of semicolons."

"Football combines two of the worst aspects of American society: Violence punctuated by committee meetings.." - some dork on /.

"Necessity never made a good bargain"

"Never miss a good chance to shut up" -- will rogers

blah blah blah FAIL

"Freeze Gopher!!!" - Caddyshack

"Don't you have homes?" - Caddyshack

"Don't sell yourself short...you're a tremendous slouch." - Caddyshack

"Be socially responsible write only organically grown code"

Phase 1: Collect Underpants --> Phase 2 : ? --> Phase 3 : Profit, Underpants Gnomes Business Strategy, South Park, episode 217

"It's definitely a Bloody Mary morning."

"He can 'copy & paste' you into oblivion."

"Be patient. All bugs will be later'd in time..."

foreach(_bugs.begin(), _bugs.end(), LaterBug())

"To alcohol, the cause of, and solution to, all of life's problems" - Homer

"If you're going to be negative, you should at least be funny" - anonymous Marketing person

"Emacs is a nice OS - but it lacks a good text editor. That's why I am using Vim." -- Anonymous

"If it happens once, it's a bug. If it happens twice, it's a feature. If it happens more than twice, it's a design philosophy."

"The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: ???? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: ..."

"I would have submitted this first, but i was hit by a flying pig on the way to my computer..." - Quote from /.

"EVERYTHING might be NULL!" "Well, that's a depressing outlook on life."

"A committee is a group of people who individually can do nothing but together can decide that nothing can be done." - Fred Allen

"A committee is a cul-de-sac down which ideas are lured and then quietly strangled." - sir barnett cocks

"To get something done a committee should consist of no more than three people, two of whom are absent." - robert copeland

"This new version has newer and better bugs!"

"Why does bug system have P4, P5, LATER, Enhancement and Release? All the same, right? How about just "NO"?" - Quote from work

"It compiled. Ship it."

"What?!"

"We were both thinking the same thing at the exact same timestamp" "It's frikkin' freezing in here Mr. Bigglesworth!"

"Dave, I'm losing my mind. Please reprovision me."

"Beer doesn't *always* have to be the answer... there's tequila!"

"Now that's it's more stable, we can do something EVIL to it... muhahaha"

"I shall try it thrice"

"For every action there is an equal and opposite government program."

"War is Peace | Freedom is Slavery | Media is Content"

"I smell a wumpus"

"Perhaps you are not as strong as the Emperor thought"

"Impressive! Most impressive! Indeed you ARE powerful"

Do people in Australia call the rest of the world "up over"?

"If you do have a PhD in rocket science, you probably have better things to do than install our software."

**** NOBODY EXPECTS THE SPANISH INQUISITION! ****

"Why does beer always have to be the answer?"

"Do I smell something burning?"

"If you don't have a PhD in rocket science, then you probably won't understand this.."

"Ok, that's the fastest I've gotten nowhere."

"These are not the droids you have been searching for..."

"It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of karma to burn off"

"If beer is not the answer, you asked the wrong question."

"When my sister and I were growing up, there was never any doubt in our minds that men and women were equal- if not more so." -- Al Gore

"This page is not for you. Please kneel under your desk, hold on to your metal cube and put your finger in the socket."

"ABORT/RETRY/FAIL (A/R/F) ?"

"There are two major products out of Berkeley; LSD and Unix. We do not believe this to be a coincidence..."

"Good... Bad... I'm the guy with the gun."

"Q: How many Microsoft engineers does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None. They just declare darkness the standard."

"A pessimist is a person who has had to listen to too many optimists"

"Ready, fire, aim"

"Man is the only creature that strives to surpass himself, and yearns for the impossible"

"The less you talk, the more you're listened to."

"I'm the master of low expectations." - George W. Bush, aboard Air Force One, June 4, 2003

"I'm their leader, I've got to follow them."

"Leadership is action, not position"

"There are no significant bugs in our released software that any significant number of users want fixed" - Bill Gates

"A good leader takes a little more than his share of the blame, a little less than his share of the credit."

"They misunderestimated me." - G.W. Bush, Bentonville, Ark, Nov. 6, 2000

"To quip, or not to quip? That is the question."

"These are not the bugs you're looking for.... Wait! Did I say bugs? I meant droids."

"We can't do what we don't know"

"If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings.""

"Failure is not an option. It's bundled with your software."

"Failure is not an option, but pin-reset is available."

"After reading the job requirement for the server manager I learned that indepth knowledge of mullets apparently is part of the skill set.."

"Don't look back, the lemmings are gaining on you."

"I have 8 different bosses. My only real motivation is not to be hassled."

"The thing is Bob, it's not that I'm lazy, it's that I just don't care."

"Fat, drunk, and stupid is no way to go through life son"

"We are aware of the burning odor and are trying to pinpoint it."

"Bad Code!!!! Bad Code!!!! I can't ship you anywhere can I?"

"Coders are like efficient poets. Without all the mood swings of course..."

"'Kung Fu' means skill from effort. 'Kung Foo' means skill from badass-programming-powers..."

"If TCP/IP handshaking was less formal, perhaps SYN/ACK would be YO!/SUP! instead"

"There's No Place like ::1"

"Tinderbox is on fire! Please exit the building in a calm and orderly fashion."

"Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic." - Arthur C. Clarke

"Soap and paper towels are like cootie kryptonite."

"Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now."

"We need to ask someone who isn't drinking our KoolAid...' - work quote

"The only thing I will not compromise, is the ability to compromise."

"Focus like a shotgun"

"Yesterday it worked.Today it is not working.Windows is like that."

"Three things are certain:Death, taxes, and lost data.Guess which has occurred."

"Everything is gone. Your life's work has been destroyed. Squeeze trigger (yes/no)?"

"Discuss, Decide, Repeat." - Quote from quip board at work...

"Please remain calm; it's not use both of us being hysterical at the same time"

"No trees were killed in the creation of this message. However, many electrons were terribly inconvenienced."

"A good programmer is someone who looks both ways before crossing a one-way street"

"Be wary of strong drink. It can make you shoot at tax collectors and miss" -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love"

"If at first you don't succeed..Skydiving is not for you!"

"A good scapegoat is nearly as welcome as a solution to the problem."

"Why should I waste my time reliving the past when I can spend it worrying about the future?"

"Never sweat the petty things... and never pet the sweaty things"

"Never pet a dog that is on fire."

"How come if a man talks dirty to a woman it's sexual harrassment but if a woman talks dirty to a man it's $3.99 a minute?"

"You're just jealous because the voices are talking to me!!"

"If you have a car, let it go, if it comes back to you, get the hell out of the way."

"Life is hard... it's even harder when you're stupid."

"If everywhere you go, there you are, what the hell am I doing here?"

"Why is logic?"

"The early bird may get the worm, but it's the second mouse that gets the cheese."

Don't predict the end of the world. If you're wrong, people will laugh at you. If you're right, it won't really matter anyway, will it? -- Arious

"Expecting different output from the same input is lunacy." -- Albert Einstein

"Living right doesn't really make you live longer, it just SEEMS like longer."

"A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining, but wants it back the minute it begins to rain." -- Mark Twain

"Always and never are two words you should always remember never to use."

"If it ain't fixed, don't broke it!"

"If it ain't broke, don't fix it"

"Death is life's way of telling you you've been fired."

"Drive defensively -- buy a tank."

"Murphy's Law is recursive. Washing your car to make it rain doesn't work."

"Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home."

"Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?"

"Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy."

"Wasting time is an important part of life."

"When all else fails, read the instructions."

"Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'...until you can find a rock."

"To iterate is human; to recurse, divine."

"Today is the last day of your life so far."

"The road to to success is always under construction."

"Life: what happens to you while planning to do something else."

"Jury: Twelve people who determine which client has the better lawyer."

"Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes."

"Better to understand little than to misunderstand a lot."

"I can fly! I can fly! I can... ummmmmm... uh oh!"

"If you wish to live wisely, ignore sayings -- including this one."

"Programmer - A red-eyed, mumbling mammal capable of conversing with inanimate objects."

"It is better to deserve honors and not have them than to have them and not deserve them." -- Mark Twain

"Is there something I can take for kleptomania?"

"I love how people think video games are influencing to youths. I am a child of the 80's and I don't emulate Pac Man. If we did that we'd all be wandering around dark warehouses, eating magic pills, listening to repetitive electronic music and running from things only we can see."

If you let a smile be your umbrella, then most likely your ass will get soaking wet.

Do you realize that in about 40 years, we'll have thousands of old ladies running around with tattoos?

Money can't buy happiness, but somehow it's more comfortable to cry in a Porsche than in a Hyundai.

*Life is all about ass... either you are covering it, kicking it, kissing it, or trying to get it.*

Sedulously eschew obfuscatory hyperverbosity and prolixity.

"Whoever fights monster should see to it that in the process he does not become a monster. And when you look long into an abyss, the abyss also looks into you." - Nietzsche

"Once it's an accident. Twice it's a game."

"They that can give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety." - Benjamin Franklin

You say "psycho" like it's a bad thing.

I know in my heart that man is good. That what is right will always eventually triumph. And there’s purpose and worth to each and every life - Ronald Reagan 1911-2004

The trouble with being punctual is that people think you have nothing more important to do.

"Do you remember how electrical currents and 'unseen waves' were laughed at? The knowledge about man is still in its infancy." - Albert Einstein

"If I won the lottery, I wouldn't be one of those people who immediately quit their jobs. I'd make my boss's life a living hell for a week or two first."

Turnaucka's Law: The attention span of a computer is only as long as its electrical cord.

I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

There's no future in time travel.

Beware of the Turing Tar-pit in which everything is possible but nothing of interest is easy.

The world is coming to an end. Please log off.

"We can predict everything, except the future."

"Enjoy every sandwich" -- Warren Zevon ("Knockin' on Heaven's Door"), during his last appearance Late Show with David Letterman when asked for "advice" for the living.

"In his defense, the quality of his mistakes are getting better." - One of our sysad's WRT to a NOC person that has a tough time in comprehension. 2004/04/08

"We know the problem, so let's find out what the problem is..." -- My PHB, 2004/06/11

"I think it's more flexible because it'll give us more flexibility to us" -- My PHB, 2004/03/30

"So many rollercoasters, so little time..." -- RVT

Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza. -- Dave Barry Monday is an awful way to spend one seventh of your life.

If you think education is expensive, try ignorance. -- Derek Bok, president of Harvard

We've sent a man to the moon, and that's 29,000 miles away. The center of the Earth is only 4,000 miles away. You could drive that in a week, but for some reason nobody's ever done it. -- Andy Rooney

All power corrupts, but we need electricity.

People often find it easier to be a result of the past than a cause of the future.

Best IE error message I've seen: "Invalid Syntax Error" Like I should expect a VALID one?!? - RVT 2004/02/24

Conway's Law: In any organization there will always be one person who knows what is going on. This person must be fired.

In the 60's people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal...

"To think and read is not treason... yet" - Bumper sticker seen in California (2004/01)

"Remember: Silly is a state of Mind, Stupid is a way of Life." -- Dave Butler

"If a Ram is a Sheep, And an Ass is a Donkey, Then how come a ram in the ass is a Goose?"

"Time: Nature's way of keeping everything from happening all at once."

"Time is the best teacher. Unfortunately, it kills all its pupils."

"Most people are on the world, not in it." -- John Muir

"Dogs have owners, cats have staff."

"Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons."

(speaking about the Bud 'wassup' commercial) "As with any 'hip' lingo, black people start it, white people co-op it, white people ruin it... then it's done." - VH1 "25 Greatest Commercials" 2003/10

"...the bad times fade away, and the good ones adhere themselves to your memory"

"I wish we could see in to the future sometimes. Life only makes sense when you look at it backwards -- too bad we have to live it forward." - Thirteen Conversations About One Thing / Karen & Jill Sprecher

We'll cross over that bridge when we come back to it later.

"The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt." -- Bertrand Russell

"To accuse others for one's own misfortunes is a sign of want of education. To accuse oneself shows that one's education has begun. To accuse neither oneself nor others shows that one's education is complete." -- Epictetus

"In every adversity there lies the seed of an equivalent advantage. In every defeat is a lesson showing you how to win the victory next time." -- Robert Collier

"We cannot be guilty of a greater act of uncharitableness, than to interpret the afflictions which befall our neighbors as punishments and judgments." -- Joseph Addison

"As the valley gives height to the mountain, so can sorrow give meaning to pleasure; as the well is the source of the fountain, deep adversity can be a treasure." -- William Ward

"Adversity causes some people to break; others to break records." -- William A. Ward

"Kites rise highest against the wind -- not with it." -- Winston Churchill

"Emergencies have always been necessary to progress. It was darkness which produced the lamp. It was fog that produced the compass. It was hunger that drove us to exploration. And it took a depression to show us the value of a job." -- Victor Hugo

"There are not so many lessons in glad times. Adversity is by far the better teacher. Adversity will be part of almost all our lives. So it is not in escaping adversity, but in answering it, that our character is defined." -- Christopher Warren

"Character cannot be developed in ease and quiet. Only through experience of trial and suffering can the soul be strengthened, vision cleared, ambition inspired, and success achieved." -- Helen Keller

"It is often better to have a great deal of harm happen to one than a little; a great deal may rouse you to remove what a little will only accustom you to endure." -- Grenville Kleiser

"The ultimate measure of a person is not where he or she stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he or she stands at times of challenge and controversy." -- Martin Luther King, Jr.

"People's best successes come after their disappointments." - Henry Ward Beecher

"Never confuse a single defeat with a final defeat." - F. Scott Fitzgerald

"People are never helped in their suffering by what they think for themselves, but only by revelation of a wisdom greater than their own. It is this which lifts them out of their distress." -- C.G. Jung

Credit travels up, blame travels down -- The Boss

"Greatness comes not when things go always good for you, but the greatness comes when you are really tested, and you take some knocks, some disappointments, when sadness comes, because only if you have been in the deepest valley can you ever know how magnificent it is to be on the highest mountain." - President Richard M. Nixon - August 9, 1974

"Ya know... computers can sense fear." - RVT

"Never let school interfere with our children's education."

"355/113 -- Not the famous irrational number PI, but an incredible simulation!"

Some people are only alive because it's illegal to kill them.

"What greater gift than the love of a cat?" - Dickens

"Electric communication will never be a substitute for the face of someone who with their soul encourages another person to be brave and true." - Dickens

"It is a melancholy truth that even great men have their poor relations." - Charles Dickens, Bleak House

"Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city." - George Burns

"Give a man a match, and he'll be warm for a minute, but set him on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life."

"Hewlett Packard and Compaq have come to a little agreement ... what you might call a ... compact Compaq compact."

"Q. How many Freudians does it take to change a lightbulb? A. Two--one to change the bulb and the other to hold my penis, I mean my mother, I mean the *ladder*."

"If Paradise Lost had been written by a system administrator, it would have had the sequel _Paradise Restored from Backup_." - borrowed from a.s.r.

Abandon all hope, all ye who press Enter.

"There are only 10 kinds of people in the world-- Those who understand binary, and those who don't."

MS Definition of a security vulnerability (line split for clarity): http://www.microsoft.com/ /technet/archive/community/columns/security/essays/vulnrbl.mspx "Suppose a flaw in a web browser could be misused by a web site to "hang" the browser of any user who visited the site. If the user were able to resume normal operation by stopping the browser, restarting it, and avoiding the attacker's web site in the future, the flaw would not constitute a security vulnerability"

"So if Windows on Intel is Wintel, would UNIX on Intel be UnIntel?" - grant@cscorp.com 2002/02/22 16:18 PST

"Either the United States will destroy ignorance, or ignorance will destroy the United States."

"Prepare to bow before my invinceable irony and sarcasm."

"Imagination is more important than knowledge." - Albert Einstein

"This too shall pass"

"Worrying about something that may never happen is like paying interest on money you may never borrow." Correlary: "Paranoia: You only have to be right once to make it all worthwhile."

"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." - Eleanor Roosevelt

"He who angers you conquers you." - Elizabeth Kenny

"To admit you were wrong is to declare you are wiser not than before." - Unknown

"Believe those that seek the truth; doubt those who find it." - Andre Gide

Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.

"Distrust all in whom the impulse to punish is powerful." - Nietzsche

Subject seen from a poor, evidently "unhinged" spammer: OWN A COMPUTER?

Sign at state park: To determine the temperature of the water add 25 to the average height (in inches) of the swimmers presently in the water. This will give you the water temperature in degrees Fahrenheit.

Online Discover Card statement, using their website: "You may be able to avoid Periodic Finance Charges, see the reverse side for details."

Herbalife founder Mark Reynolds Hughes was found dead today. Cause of death was listed as "natural causes."

Ad seen in paper: "Firewood for sale, never been used."

"X-rated movies are all alike ... the only thing they leave to the imagination is the plot."

"Don't get suckered in by the comments -- they can be terribly misleading. Debug only code." -- Dave Storer

"I do not fear love but I fear what comes next. I fear when it does not come at all. I fear the extreme and the feeling of loss." - Douglas Coupland

"It's not your blue blood, your pedigree or your college degree. It's what you do with your life that counts." - Millard Fuller

"The real test of friendship is: can you literally do nothing with the other person? Can you enjoy those moments of life that are utterly simple?" - Eugene Kennedy

"Life is wasted on the living." - Douglas Adams, The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy

"Creativity is allowing oneself to make mistakes. Art is knowing which ones to keep." - Scott Adams

"Standing in the middle of the road is very dangerous; you get knocked down by the traffic from both sides." - Margaret Thatcher

"People demand freedom of speech to make up for the freedom of thought which they avoid." - Soren Aabye Kierkegaard

"Everything that can be invented has been invented." - Charles H. Duell, Commissioner, U.S. Office of Patents, 1899

"A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty." - Sir Winston Churchill

"Well done is better than well said." - Benjamin Franklin

"I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it by not dying." - Woody Allen

Never settle with words what you can accomplish with a flame thrower.

Never count your chickens before they rip your lips off.

Just remember, kinky is using a feather. Perverted is using the whole damn chicken.

@a=(Lbzjoftt,Inqbujfodf,Hvcsjt); $b="Lbssz Wbmm";$b =~ y/b-z/a-z/ ; $c = " Tif ". @a ." hsfbu wj" ."suvft pg b qsphsbnnfs" . ":\n";$c =~y/b-y/a-z/; print"\n\n$c ";for($i=0; $i<@a; $i++) { $a[$i] =~ y/b-y/a-z/;if($a[$i]eq$a [-1]){print"and $a[$i]." ;}else{ print"$a[$i], "; }}print"\n\t\t--$b\n\n";

Seleznick's Theory of Holistic Medicine: Ice Cream cures all ills.

f u cn rd ths, u cn gt a gd jb n cmptr prgrmmng.

If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.

Love your enemies, for they tell you your faults. - Benjamin Franklin

Don't ever slam the door; you might want to go back. - Don Herold

Life is not so short but that there is always time enough for courtesy. - Ralph Waldo Emerson

From what we get, we can make a living; what we give, however, makes a life. - Arthur Ashe

People ask you for criticism, but they only want praise. - W. Somerset Maugham

Politics is more dangerous than war, for in war you are only killed once. - Winston Churchill

You can fool too many of the people too much of the time. - James Thurber

The shoe that fits one person pinches another; there is no recipe for living that suits all cases. - Carl Jung

We judge ourselves by our motives and others by their actions. - Dwight Morrow

In the force if Yoda's so strong, construct a sentence with words in the proper order then why can't he?

Give a man a fish, and you've fed him for a day. Teach a man to fish, and you can sell him a ton of accessories.

"Thank you for choosing Pacbell/SBC Phone Services." -- The 'goodbye' f/phone call to local phone monopoly, Pacific Bell 2001/10/23

"Is your operating system object oriented?" -- PBI/SBC tech-support question during report of 'line down' problems, circa June 2000.

"Well, if you would traceroute to it, you would see that it's a circuit problem." -- Daniel (PBI/SBC tech support) 2000/08/30 23:45 PDT

"Do you have halogen lamps in your house? That could by why your DSL line is malfunctioning." -- Jamie (PBI/SBC support) 2000/08/31 00:15 PDT

If you can lead it to water and force it to drink, it isn't a horse.

Do you realize how many holes there could be if people would just take the time to take the dirt out of them?

"The only thing Micro$oft has done for society, is make people believe that computers are inherently unreliable." -Bradford L. Barrett @MrUNIX

LSD melts in your mind, not in your hand.

A candidate is a person who gets money from the rich and votes from the poor to protect them from each other.

Always remember that you are unique. Just like everyone else.

I can read your mind, and you should be ashamed of yourself.

Fights between cats and dogs are prohibited by statute in Barber, North Carolina.

There are two ways to write error-free programs. Only the third one works.

"When in doubt, tell the truth." - Mark Twain

"The man who does not read good books has no advantage over the man who cannot read them." - Mark Twain

"Windows -- When do you want to reboot today?"

Hardware, n.: The parts of a computer system that can be kicked.

A classic is something that everybody wants to have read and nobody wants to read. -- Mark Twain, "The Disappearance of Literature"

In Tennessee, it is illegal to shoot any game other than whales from a moving automobile.

There's nothing more permanent than a temporary fix.

Mitchell's Law of Committees: Any simple problem can be made insoluble if enough meetings are held to discuss it.

Documentation is the castor oil of programming. Managers know it must be good because the programmers hate it so much.

How much does it cost to entice a dope-smoking UNIX system guru to Dayton?" -- Brian Boyle, UNIX/WORLD's First Annual Salary Survey

Seminars, n.: From "semi" and "arse", hence, any half-assed discussion.

"I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by."

"Someday we'll look back on all this and plow into a parked car."

"There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives."

"Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it."

"Utility is when you have one telephone, luxury is when you have two, opulence is when you have three -- and paradise is when you have none." -- Doug Larson

"Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue."

"I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem."

"A real person has two reasons for doing anything ... a good reason and the real reason."

"I doubt, therefore I might be."

"Juglito Ergo Sum Trans: I Juggle, Therefore I Am" -- FKB

"No good deed goes unpunished." -- Clare Boothe Luce

"Children are natural mimics who act like their parents despite every effort to teach them good manners."

"To err is human, to moo bovine."

"All the taxes paid over a lifetime by the average American are spent by the government in less than a second." -- Jim Fiebig

"If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments." -- Earl Wilson

"When I said "we", officer, I was referring to myself, the four young ladies, and, of course, the goat."

"My Reality Check bounced."

Do not read this fortune under penalty of law. Violators will be prosecuted. (Penal Code sec. 2.3.2 (II.a.))

"I don't suffer from stress. I'm a carrier."

"Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, 'cuz, you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup."

"Everybody is somebody else's weirdo"

Remember, no matter how attractive you think she is, some guy somewhere else is tired of her sh*t.

"Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience."

"We have always been quite clear that Win95 and Win98 are not the systems to use if you are in a hostile security environment. We recommend Windows NT for those environments." -- Paul Leach

"Windows 95: n. 32 bit extensions and a graphical shell for a 16 bit patch to an 8 bit operating system originally coded for a 4 bit microprocessor, written by a 2 bit company that can't stand 1 bit of competition." - Gnu-Win32/CygWin32 FAQ (http://www.cygnus.com/misc/gnu-win32)

"The future will be better tomorrow" -- VP Dan Quayle

"In 1988 the question is whether we want to go forward to tomorrow, or past to the back" -- VP Dan Quayle

"I was know as the chief grave robber in my state" -- VP Dan Quayle

"One word sums up probably the responsibility of any vice president, and that one word is 'to be prepared'." -- VP Dan Quayle

"I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy - but that could change." -- VP Dan Quayle

"Are they taking DDT?" -- VP Dan Quayle asking doctors at a Manhattan AIDS clinic about their treatments of choice. (NY Post, early May 92)

"If we do not succeed, then we run the risk of failure." -- VP Dan Quayle to the Phoenix Republican Forum, March 1990

"Well, it looks as if the top part fell on the bottom part." -- VP Dan Quayle referring to the collapsed section of the 880 freeway after the San Francisco earthquake of 1989.

"I have made good judgements in the Past. I have made good judgements in the Future." -- VP Dan Quayle

"We're going to have the best-educated American people in the world." -- VP Dan Quayle

"People that are really very weird can get into sensitive positions and have a tremendous impact on history." -- VP Dan Quayle

"I stand by all the misstatements that I've made." -- VP Dan Quayle

"Public Speaking is very easy." -- VP Dan Quayle

"I am not part of the problem. I am a Republican." -- VP Dan Quayle

"I love California, I practically grew up in Phoenix." -- VP Dan Quayle

"I deserve respect for the things I did not do." -- VP Dan Quayle

"This president is going to lead us out of this recovery." -- VP Dan Quayle at a campaign stop in California and then again at California State University, Fresno (Quayle Quaterly Spring/Summer 1992)

"Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach our children." -- VP Dan Quayle

"We are ready for any unforseen event that may or may not occur" -- VP Dan Quayle

"For NASA, space is still a high priority." -- VP Dan Quayle

"The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist."

"Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental."

"There is no reality, only perceptions."

"Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental." Corollary: "There is no reality, only perceptions."

"No, my powers can only be used for good."

"I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message..."

"I don't work here. I'm a consultant."

"Who me? I just wander from room to room."

"My toys! My toys! I can't do this job without my toys!"

"It might look like I'm doing nothing, but at the cellular level I'm really quite busy."

"At least I have a positive attitude about my destructive habits."

"Someday, we'll look back on this, laugh nervously and change the subject."

"I think there is a world market for maybe five computers." - Thomas Watson (1874-1956), Chairman of IBM, 1943

"There is no reason for any individual to have a computer in their home." -- Ken Olson, President of DEC, World Future Society Convention, 1977

"We don't care. We don't have to. We're the Phone Company."

"If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten." -- George Carlin

"That married couples can live together day after day is a miracle that the Vatican has overlooked. -- Bill Cosby

"I don't mind what Congress does, as long as they don't do it in the streets and frighten the horses." -- Victor Hugo

"The streets are safe in Philadelphia, it's only the people who make them unsafe." -- Mayor Frank Rizzo

"Know what I hate most? Rhetorical questions." -- Henry N. Camp

Anyone who uses the phrase "easy as taking candy from a baby" has never tried taking candy from a baby.

To properly determine how long it will take to write and debug a program, take your best estimate, multiply that by two, add one, and convert to the next higher units.

The sum of the Universe is zero.

"Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing." -- Redd Foxx

"Let us live!!! Let us love!!! Let us share the deepest secrets of our souls!!! You first."

"NEWS FLASH!! Today the East German pole-vault champion became the West German pole-vault champion."

"Ban the bomb. Save the world for conventional warfare."

"You are only young once, but you can stay immature indefinitely."

"Oh, I don't blame Congress. If I had $600 billion at my disposal, I'd be irresponsible, too." -- Lichty & Wagner

"Pro is to con as progress is to Congress."

The Consultant's Curse: When the customer has beaten upon you long enough, give him what he asks for, instead of what he needs. This is very strong medicine, and is normally only required once.

Q: Why do ducks have flat feet? Q: Why do elephants have flat feet? A: To stamp out forest fires. A: To stamp out flaming ducks.

It is a sad commentary on today's society that this fortune has to be classified as "offensive" simply because it contains the word "fuck".

//GO.SYSIN DD *, DOODAH, DOODAH

"Happiness isn't something you experience; it's something you remember." -- Oscar Levant

Quidquid latine dictum sit, altum viditur. (Whatever is said in Latin sounds profound.)

Sorry, no fortune at this time.

Real Programmers think better when playing Adventure or Rogue.

"I just need enough to tide me over until I need more." -- Bill Hoest

"Good news. Ten weeks from Friday will be a pretty good day."

"Good news is just life's way of keeping you off balance."

Churchill's Commentary on Man: "Man will occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of the time he will pick himself up and continue on."

"We don't understand the software, and sometimes we don't understand the hardware, but we can *see* the blinking lights!"

"A baby is God's opinion that the world should go on." -- Carl Sandburg

"I cannot conceive that anybody will require multiplications at the rate of 40,000 or even 4,000 per hour ..." -- F. H. Wales (1936)

"We must remember the First Amendment which protects any shrill jackass no matter how self-seeking." -- F. G. Withington

"The computer is the ultimate polluter: its shit is indistinguishable from the food it produces."

"We are going to continue having these meetings, everyday, until I find out why no work is getting done."

"This task is so important that it should prevent anything more important from actually getting done."

"We passed over a lot of good people to get the ones we hired."

"I see you've had no computer training. Although that qualifies you for upper management, it means you're under-qualified for our entry level positions."

"Paranoia: You only have to be right once to make it all worthwhile."

"A conservative is a man with two perfectly good legs who has never learned to walk." -- Franklin D. Roosevelt

"We live in a world in which we need to share responsibility. It's easy to say 'It's not my child, not my community, not my world, not my problem.' Then there are those who see the need and respond. I consider those people my heroes." -- Fred Rogers (AKA "Mr. Rogers") 1928-2003

"I feel the greatest gift we can give to anybody is the gift of our honest self." -- Fred Rogers (AKA "Mr. Rogers") 1928 - 2003/02/27

"You know, you don't have to look like everybody else to be acceptable and to feel acceptable." -- Fred Rogers (AKA "Mr. Rogers") 1928 - 2003

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